Hojo's Fatherly Chat
by Ninjette
Summary: A disastrous night out for Sephiroth, Zack, Aeris and the Turks.
1. Default Chapter

The door to the senior officers' mess slammed and the General strolled in and dropped sullenly in one of the seats. He began drumming his long fingers on the leather arms of the chair, the noise thudding through the previously silent room. Zack watched from his seat by the window where he had been writing a letter, until the dark cloud of discontent that was Sephiroth had made its wrath known.

" Chin up, General, might be another war soon, " he commented lightly.

Standing up again and stalking over to face him, Sephiroth glared at the SOLDIER.

" Really? " he demanded. " Like where? Who am I going to be fighting? The owners of the innumerable Wutai giftshops? The many many tour guides of the region? Or something altogether new, perhaps? " His sea-green eyes burnt with sarcasm and his pale hands gesticulated wildly. " Vicious mutant dolphins around Junon? Rampaging chocobos around the Mythril Mines? "

Zack had patiently sat through the General's tirade, he had judged it to be more than his life was worth to dare interrupt. When finally Sephiroth lapsed into silence, his bare, toned chest heaving with the outrage, Zack shrugged and turned back to the letter.

" You need to get drunk. Or laid. Maybe both. "

Intended as a joke, Zack's jibe seemed to transform Sephiroth into a snarling beast. 

" I swear, " he spat through gritted teeth, " if one more person tries to involve themselves with the question of who I am currently bedding, I will cut off my own genitalia and be done with it! "

" Hey, hey, buddy boy, just a joke! " Zack insisted, from behind his defensively raised arms. 

There was a heavy sigh and then Sephiroth threw himself back down in his earlier place.

" I know, " he answered, his tone more reasonable. " My sex-life seems to be a prime Shinra concern at the moment. "

" Shinra? There I was thinking you'd only cast your spell over all the cadets. I swear those poor kids sit up half the night discussing who you've slept with. "

_And whether they'll get to be the next one_, Zack added to himself.

It earned him a half-smile anyway. Sephiroth's eyes had dulled to smouldering embers, and he was supporting his head in his hands, his long white fingers threaded through the thick sheaf of silver.

" Are you sure they're not just using that as the excuse for their atrocious performance when it comes to early morning drills? "

The dark-haired SOLDIER grinned and shrugged again.

" Could be that. So come on, Seph, what's the problem with Shinra? Scarlet chasing you around the tables again? "

Sephiroth groaned and eased his hands out of his hair to rub his eyes.

" You may very well laugh but I can't take one step into damn HQ without that bloody woman materialising at my shoulder and coming on to me. I tell you, we could have used stealth skills like that in the Wutai conflict. "

" Maybe she's got Hojo to give her your appointment times? Y'know, so she can be all ready to pounce when she sees you coming in to go to the lab. "

There was a grim laugh at that suggestion.

" Hojo may be a really sick piece of work, but I think even he would balk at cruelty like that. Then again… " 

Sephiroth groaned loudly.

Zack raised his eyebrows but tactfully said nothing. Though he knew better than to push for details, he was well aware that Sephiroth's connection to Hojo was infinitely more complicated than Shinra generally let on.

" Perhaps you should just give her what she so obviously wants. " Zack suggested innocently, only the slightest hint of mischief dancing in his Mako bright eyes. " You wouldn't have to put much energy in, could be all done in three minutes. And then, well, you'd have something to talk to Heidegger about. "

" One of these days Zachary, you are going to get a taste of the sharp end of my blade. What's more, it will serve you right. "

The SOLDIER laughed and ran his fingers through his spiky black hair.

" Promises promises, " he mocked. " Seriously though, buddy, she can't be _that_ bad. Just tell her you're sorry but you're not interested. "

" When I put in the request for the latest experimental weapons for the SOLDIERs to train with, she said I could have it if I let her sit on my lap and give her a kiss, " Sephiroth answered tonelessly.

Zack guffawed loudly until he felt the aqua eyes staring at him. He fell silent quickly, his mouth hanging open. 

" And that's one of her repeatable propositions, " Sephiroth added.

" Man, " Zack whispered, taken aback. " Still, couldn't you have a word with Hojo? Surely he wouldn't approve of her screwing around with his SOLDIERs. "

A delicate blush coloured the General's high cheekbones.

" That's the other thing. Hojo. "

" Hojo hit on you?! " Zack demanded, now completely horrified.

Zack's own horror was reflected tenfold on Sephiroth's face.

" No! " he shrieked. " Gods, no that's… no! You don't know how… No! " 

Patting his chest, as if to get his heart beating again, Zack sighed.

" Nasty mental images there, " he muttered. " So, what about Hojo? "

Sephiroth opened his mouth to speak, paused, licked his lips, tried again, and failed.

" Perhaps I _do_ need to get drunk, " he mumbled finally.

***

" Can you tell the Professor I'm here, " Sephiroth said formally, his tone taking away all implications of request.

The junior doctor nodded respectfully, gestured Sephiroth into Hojo's personal office and scurried away.

Sephiroth sighed and glanced around the sterile surroundings. He scanned the nearby shelves for anything new to examine or fiddle with, something to make this appointment a little different from the previous one, or thousand. But no, everything was precisely the same. Everything so familiar. Truly, he felt as comfortable and at home here as he did in his quarters back at the military base.

Or did he? During the war with Wutai, he had of course been excused the tri-weekly check-ups with Hojo. And he had found a whole new way of life. A life within the war that he could run as he wanted, with no-one to report to. No-one to check on his blood samples, urine samples, skin samples, earwax samples, nail-clipping samples or the multitude of other samples they demanded. Returning to the lab these last few months had been disappointing. Disappointing and… unsettling?

" Hello General. How are you today? Anything to report? " Hojo asked, his voice low and sibilant.

" I'm fine Father, never better. "

The short, white lab-coated man moved around the desk and sat down in the chair. He picked up the ever-ready clipboard and jotted down a few notes.

" How has the latest Mako treatment taken? Any adverse side-effects? " he asked, as he had done every single appointment that Sephiroth could remember. Hojo's eyes remained fixed on the page, his pen poised for the answer.

" Aside from the barracks using my eyes as an alternative source of light, no, everything's fine. "

Hojo paused, then made an additional note on the page.

Note to self, Sephiroth imagined, extreme exposure to Mako results in superhuman strength, near invulnerability, advanced intellect and decidedly suspect sense of humour.

" It was a joke! " he insisted, mildly exasperated.

" Yes General. I am aware of that. Tell me, what compelled you to turn to humour? What were you feeling? "

Hojo had prepared a fresh piece of paper and the pen was poised again, obviously to take notes on the recent development.

" It was a joke. I was feeling silly. That's all. "

There was a pause. Hojo scribbled something down, set the clipboard aside and looked up at him through his small wire-framed glasses. Ignoring the urge to snatch up the clipboard and see what judgement Hojo had made of his attempt at levity, Sephiroth gave his best attempt at a smile. 

There was a long moment as Hojo surveyed his specimen. The scientist opened a side desk and pulled out a surveillance photo and laid it in front of Sephiroth. Curious, Sephiroth leaned over and took a look. 

It was taken in the lobby of the Shinra building. It showed Scarlet, head of Weapons Development trying to press as much of herself as possible against a backed-up-against-the-wall-Sephiroth.

" Ah, yes, " Sephiroth murmured, acutely embarrassed.

Hearing a small `click`, Sephiroth looked up to see his father arranging a dictophone on the desk. 

This did not bode well.

" Tell me General: have you engaged in sexual activity with a woman before? "

The fear the spindly little man's question inspired in Sephiroth was greater than the time he had single-handedly taken on two blue dragons at the foot of Gaea's Cliff. It took all his courage not to leap from the chair and make a bolt for the door. 

" Father, " he tried reasonably. " I am a thirty year old man. I would prefer not to discuss such things with you. "

Hojo tapped his pen on the desk, as he always did when he was annoyed.

" It is most important General that you answer the question. "

Feeling incredibly trapped, Sephiroth shrugged weakly.

" Yes, " he whispered, sinking deep into his chair.

Hojo nodded to himself and made a note.

" And did you succeed in impregnating any of your partners? "

Sephiroth didn't know whether to shriek in horror or cackle hysterically. He tried a combination of the two, squeaking maniacally in his chair. 

Hojo looked up, waiting for an answer and surveying the General's new and interesting behaviour.

When Sephiroth had finally recovered, he gave a feeble shrug.

" I don't know. "

Hojo nodded again and pulled over a new sheet of paper, writing a quick title which Sephiroth fervently didn't want to see.

" Very well, give me their names, addresses and the dates on which intercourse took place and I'll have Shinra track them down and investigate. "

Swallowing hard, Sephiroth shrugged yet again.

" Er… Do you need surnames as well? "

Hojo looked up again, a slight look of surprise and irritation on his face.

" You don't have surnames? Do you have addresses? "

Stifling a nervous laugh, Sephiroth tried to avoid his father's gaze.

" There was um… Stella… in a bar in Costa Del Sol, or was her name Sophie? And then there was… Christya, no, no, then it was Maggi, I think… Or maybe it was Charisse? "

Sephiroth trailed off as Hojo's gaze became openly angry.

" This is most unhelpful, General. How am I to supposed to work with data like this? Are you trying to obstruct my work? "

" Er… no? "

There was a long pause while Hojo stared at the silver-haired SOLDIER, before he wrote something down and underlined it fiercely.

" Very well, the only option now is for you to produce offspring with her, " Hojo said in a voice tight with anger, tapping the surveillance photo.

Fighting down the rising panic, Sephiroth raised an eyebrow.

" Before I track down and bed the Slut of Shinra, could you kindly explain why you're so keen to see me… breed? "

Hojo was silent for a long time. His eyes darkened as he seemed to be considering something. Sephiroth was privately glad of the time to recover from the mental trauma he had just suffered.

" I wish to see the second-generation effects of your genetic make-up, " he said carefully.

Sephiroth frowned, confused.

" What? You mean the Mako treatments? You don't think the lesser SOLDIERs knocked up the local girls from here to Wutai and back? "

Again, Hojo was silent. Then, disconcertingly, he smiled his thin-lipped smile.

" They have been treated with Mako, General, whereas you… you virtually have it running in your veins. "

Sephiroth lapsed into silence, considering whether he wanted any child of his to know the laboratory as well as he did.

The sound of a loud tapping interrupted his thoughts. He looked up to see Hojo tapping the photo again.

" She seems favourably inclined towards your external appearance. It should not pose any great problem for you to instigate sexual relations with Scarlet. It works out quite admirably in fact. If we can keep it within Shinra there is less chance of her trying to do anything silly like running off. " A sudden thought struck Hojo and he glanced at Sephiroth sharply. " She's not involved with any of the Turks, is she? "

" Uh… no, not that I know of, " Sephiroth answered, dazedly. 

" Pity, " Hojo mumbled, scribbling notes down, " Some of my best work involved the Turks. Are you sure she's not involved? That scrawny red-head perhaps? He doesn't look like he's fussy. Perhaps you should ask him, find out for sure whether he and Scarlet are engaging in an affair. I shall make a note of that, " he rambled to himself, " to remind me to contact Tseng and ensure that he puts a stop to the liaison between Scarlet and… the scrawny one. "

" Father, you're paranoid, " Sephiroth remarked, clinging on to what few shreds of sanity he had. 

Hojo looked at him sharply.

" You can never be too sure with the Turks. They have a nasty tendency to try and get in the way of scientific research. If you find that… the scrawny one is getting in your way while you're attempting to reproduce with Scarlet, be sure to come straight to me. "

" Will do, " Sephiroth insisted cheerfully, forcefully ignoring the muttered comments regarding the scrawny one making a nice specimen. " Anything else? "

" I will expect a progress report when I next see you General. That is all. "

Sephiroth left the lab with a fixed manic grin on his face. He then took the scenic route to leave the building, which involved the endless stairwell of the Fire Escape, rather than run into his partner for the Lab Project.

***

" Woah! " Zack breathed, after hearing the incredibly heavily edited version of events.

" I know, " Sephiroth muttered from where he was leant over the bar, nursing his sixth drink.

" Hojo wants you to… ? "

" Yes. "

" With…? "

" Yes. "

" Woah, " Zack said again, for lack of anything else to express the magnitude of his feelings.

They sat together in silence. Zack offered up a silent prayer to whatever god might be listening that Hojo did not decide to expand his field of study. 

" So Hojo exposed you for the slut you are, " Zack commented finally.

Sephiroth nodded wearily.

" Did you tell him about the guys? "

There was a long silence before the General answered.

" Do I strike you as a crazy man Zack? "

" Well, no, not really. Though there was that time… "

" Right, well until I start waving Masamune around and randomly setting fire to things, we can safely assume that I am sane and thus not about to tell Professor Hojo about the guys. I can only imagine the investigation he'd come up with if he found about that. "

Zack chuckled and turned back to his drink.

Sephiroth slurped noisily at his own drink and supported his aching head, feeling the pit of dread in his stomach that was his expectation of the next appointment and the progress report he was expected to give.

He snorted irritably to himself at a sudden thought.

Bet he didn't treat Mother like a lab experiment.


	2. Chapter 2

Seeing one of his Turks engaged in flipping elastic bands across the room and another writing up reports while patiently allowing his bald head to be used as the target for the aforementioned elastic bands, Tseng thought it best to announce his presence and hope that matters rectified themselves.

He stopped in the doorway and cleared his throat elegantly.

Reno looked up and smiled cheerily. Rude looked up, and narrowly missed an elastic band to the eye. Satisfied that the band-flipping had ceased, at least for now, and that he could pretend that Reno was a highly disciplined, extremely professional killing machine, Tseng entered the office. 

" What's up boss? " Reno asked. Rude looked questioning, which for him was about the same as him opening his mouth and asking.

Waving the memo slightly in his hand, Tseng frowned a little at Reno.

"  Professor Hojo has asked me to put a stop to the affair between you and the Head of Weapons Development. At least, I think he means you… " Tseng paused and re-read the memo, then nodded his head. " Yes, here we are… ` the scrawny red-head.` I can only imagine that refers to you, seeing as Rude is neither scrawny nor red-headed. "

" Makes sense, " Reno agreed reasonably.

Tseng nodded again.

" Yes, so… " Tseng paused and gestured vaguely. " Stop having an affair with her. " He hesitated and looked momentarily unsure. " Hojo is talking about Scarlet isn't he? Not Heidegger? "

" I would imagine the Professor does mean Scarlet and not Heidegger, " Rude rumbled helpfully. 

Tseng nodded to himself.

" Good. So then. Stop the affair Reno. "

" Consider it done, " Reno said cheerfully.

" Excellent, excellent. " 

Tseng left the office, immensely pleased that everything had worked out so tidily. 

Ignoring the elastic band that scored a neat bulls-eye on his head, Rude frowned at his partner.

" You were having an affair with Scarlet? " he asked finally.

" Nope. "

Rude considered this a long moment.

" Fair enough, " he muttered, going back to the paperwork and the shower of elastic bands.

***

" Would you sign for this please? It's for the General. "

Zack took the pen from the courier and scribbled his initials. Receiving the largish brown envelope, he sent the courier away.

He felt the rectangular shape inside and frowned a little. Taking a deep breath, he tore the envelope open and pulled out the video cassette. Another deep breath. Then Zack slid it into the player and switched the T.V. on. Pressing play, Zack stood back and waited for the inevitable.

Sure enough, the screen was filled with an impossibly well-endowed woman frantically fumbling with a large, tanned man. The sounds of panting, heaving and ecstatic moaning filled the room. Zack cocked his head on one side, trying to make out what precisely was going on between the couple. The flailing arms and legs made it rather ambiguous but he assumed he got the general implication. 

Hearing Sephiroth step out of the shower, he turned it off.

" Hojo's sent another one, " he called out.

***

Sephiroth paced back and forth in the Professor's office. 

Gods, give him the sniper infested jungles of Wutai any day of the week. 

As the professor entered the room, Sephiroth gave him a double-barrelled withering glare.

" Good afternoon General. How are you today? "

Taking the angry grunt as something positive, Hojo nodded and sat down.

" Glad to hear it General. Now, how are things progressing? "

" `Things` are progressing as well as I expected. "

" So has intercourse taken place yet? "

" Father, honestly, will you let me handle it? " 

" Have you encountered difficulties? Please General, discuss them. Together we can find a way around them. " Hojo was as friendly and helpful now as Sephiroth had ever seen him. " Has Scarlet not responded to your overtures? I have done some research and come across some techniques that perhaps you could employ… " Hojo began rifling through drawers, producing papers that looked suspiciously like they had been torn from girlie magazines.

Studiously trying not to wonder where his father had come across them, Sephiroth pushed the papers away.

" Please… just… just put them away Father. I don't need magazines, and while we're on the subject, could you please stop sending me porn videos? "

" It is vital to examine all possible approaches at the beginning of an investigation, " Hojo said sternly. " Why, even though Dr. Gast and I disagreed in fundamentals I often found that his work shed light on my own study. " 

" Yes, whatever. Just stop sending me porn, it's off-putting, " Sephiroth grumbled.

Hojo's eyes narrowed to slits suddenly as he paused in thought.

" You are functioning as you should, aren't you General? "

The cold hand of fear tightened in a death-grip around Sephiroth's heart.

" Of course I am, " he answered as smoothly as he could, feeling his hands instinctively go into a protective position over his crotch.

Hojo still looked speculative.

" Perhaps it would be wise to have you examined before intercourse takes place. For the records. I'll call in the nurses. "

Reaching out for the intercom, Hojo discovered an interesting sensation in his hand. It really felt quite numb. Bloodless even. Almost like someone was holding on to it like their very life depended on it. Closer inspection yielded up a long-fingered white hand around his wrist. Finally came the discovery that the General was attached to the aforementioned long-fingered white hand. 

Confused by the turn of events, Hojo tried to shake the General off. Sephiroth hung on.

" General? " Hojo asked, his tone a warning and query at the same time.

Reaching for the intercom again, he found he was being forcibly restrained. There then followed some quite undignified scrabbling as Sephiroth and Hojo battled for Hojo's hand and the intercom. Strained as father-son relations were at that point, Sephiroth controlled himself enough to keep himself from snapping Hojo in two.

Finally realising that if the struggle went on he would be forced to put a few right-angles in Hojo's spine, Sephiroth snatched up the intercom and threw it against the wall.

" General! " 

 There was a tentative knock on the door and a lab assistant popped a head around the door.

" Everything okay sir? " she asked warily, seeing the General and the scientist eyeing each other and the intercom in pieces on the floor. Not turning to her, Hojo nodded and flicked a hand in a dismissive gesture. She retreated silently.

" I am fine, " Sephiroth said calmly. " My genitals are fine. My progress with Scarlet is fine. "

Still somewhat confused by the fight over the intercom, Hojo frowned.

" I don't understand, General, why you are being so squeamish. "

Seeing the pain that lack of comprehension was causing Hojo, Sephiroth relented and sat down in his chair, gesturing for his father to do the same.

" Look Father, man to man, it's… awkward. I mean how would you have liked it if someone had been stood around trying to take notes about you and Mother? "

" Who said there were notes taken? Where did you hear that? What notes are these and who's holding them? " Hojo demanded.

The sanity in the conversation was slipping away again, Sephiroth realised. He took a deep breath.

" No Father. I said `if.` " 

Hojo still looked upset.

" I should be in possession of the sole set of notes, " he muttered peevishly.

" Well, whatever… did it for you, " Sephiroth agreed dubiously. " Anyway, all I'm saying is that I think it would be best if you just stood back and let nature take its course on this one. "

From the look on Hojo's face, Sephiroth felt compelled to clarify what he meant by `nature.`__

 " You know, nature. What happens if you don't interfere, or… do experiments. You know, _nature_. "

There was a long silence before finally Hojo nodded.

" Very well, I shall give you some latitude General, but I shall expect results. If you can give me none then I shall be forced to get involved. "

Deciding that it was best for his mental health if he didn't ask what his father meant by `involving` himself, Sephiroth smiled.

" Thank you Father. I'll be off now then. " 

Hojo had done studies regarding his son before. Sephiroth generally hadn't been bothered by them. Sometimes they were even quite enjoyable. When Sephiroth was eight, Hojo's investigation `_Study No. 3472E: Domesticated Animals – Subject: Sephiroth`_ had been fun and exciting, as it involved Sephiroth receiving Bloosie the dog. Admittedly that had been followed six months later with `_Study No. 3476E: Domesticated Animals and Childhood Trauma – Subject: Sephiroth`_ and the removal of Bloosie. But on the whole the studies had been little more than a bit of a nuisance at worst and an interesting diversion at best. Particularly `_Study No. 5297Y: Effects of Alcohol – Subject: Sephiroth`_ where Hojo had tested Sephiroth for his reactions to alcoholic beverages. Being the fastidious man of science that he was, there had been several sub-sections to that study, one for each different drink with which Hojo had plied his son. Of course that study always brought to mind the hangover of epic proportions that Sephiroth had suffered from soon after its conclusion.

On the whole though, the studies and investigations weren't that bad. But one thing Sephiroth had learnt was that once his father started an experiment nothing short of the Return of the Ancients would make him stop it, and even then it would only be a pause while he sat them down and took samples from them.

" I hoped I might run into you, " a voice at his elbow purred as he left the lab.

Resisting the urge to dodge back into the lab and initiate lock-down procedures, Sephiroth smiled hesitantly at Scarlet.

" Uh? " he said intelligently.

Scarlet was encouraged by the fact that he hadn't attempted any of his usual evasionary tactics, such as feigning sudden blindness or dropping to a crouch and trying to crawl away commando-style.

" Hang right there handsome, " she murmured in a sultry voice, pointing one painted-nail finger at him, " I've got just a little business with the Professor, and then what say you and I grab a little lunch in my office? "

With a wild shriek, Sephiroth grabbed the handle of the door to the lab.

" What are you doing?! " he demanded.

He felt someone in the lab try to open the door but he held it firm. 

" Sephi… it won't take long…. I just had a memo from him, " Scarlet stuttered, eyeing him warily.

" General, open the door. "

Sephiroth could hear his father's voice the other side of the door. Fate was against him it seemed. Master tactician that he was, Sephiroth could see only one option.

" Er… Scarlet… I meant, well, what are you doing for dinner tonight? "

The pressure on the handle on the other side of the door suddenly abated.

In the distant sound of scribbling on a notepad behind him and the victorious flare in Scarlet's eyes, Sephiroth felt a little part of his soul curl up and die. 

" Just like to play hard to get hm? " Scarlet teased, toying with the lapel of Sephiroth's trench coat. " Doesn't put me off you know, angel. The thrill of the chase makes it more exciting. "

" Should I run some more? " Sephiroth asked hopefully.

Scarlet threw her head back and laughed in Sephiroth's face. He stared in horror and sick intrigue at her tonsils that he could clearly see wagging at the back of her throat.

" No you don't, " she murmured, moving in closer. " I've got you now. "

Sephiroth smiled and waved half-heartedly at Rude the Turk who was passing by and obviously trying very hard not to notice that the famous General's neck was being nuzzled by the Head of Weapons Development.

Finally releasing him, Scarlet looked up at him. Her blue eyes were shining and her face was slightly flushed. _She was_, Sephiroth considered,_ really quite attractive. Unfortunately this was completely negated by her compulsion to bed every male Shinra had to offer, not to mention her complete ignorance of the concept of personal space. _

" So darling, what time should I come round? "

" Uh, how about… "

" Ten it is. Now, come to my office and have a quick nibble with me. " She blushed and put a hand to her lips coyly. " I mean lunch of course! "

" I should be going… " Sephiroth began.

With a heavy sigh, Scarlet brandished a slip of paper.

" And I should be seeing Professor Hojo. "

" Or we could go to lunch, " Sephiroth said quickly, taking hold of her arm and leading her rapidly away from the lab. She latched onto him without protest.

" Hungry beast aren't you? " she said huskily.

" Absolutely. Lets keep moving. "

While successfully keeping Scarlet from coming into contact with Hojo and Gods-knew-what being said, Sephiroth now had the problem of what to do with Scarlet. He was well aware that nothing short of Masamune's intervention would keep Scarlet from stripping him if he put so much as one foot into her office. Yet if he rejected her openly here, it would inevitably get back to Hojo.

Then he saw his saviour.

Zack was leant over the desk, unsuccessfully attempting to chat up a harassed and over-worked secretary, who was rather successfully attempting to pretend he wasn't there.

" Zack! You need me for something? " Sephiroth called out, moving as fast as he could without running over to the SOLDIER's side.

It took Zack a moment to grasp the situation. He looked at his General and the blonde hanging limpet-fashion from his arm and seemed to draw a blank. Indeed Sephiroth was sure he was about to say `no` when his brain finally kicked in.

" Er… yes, that's right sir. You're needed urgently. Away from here. "

" Back at barracks then, " Sephiroth supplied, trying to paper over Zack's rather messy excuse.

" That's right. "

Zack fell silent and seemed content with his performance.

" Why? " Sephiroth was finally forced to ask, furtively crossing his fingers that his friend would be able to come up with something.

" Because… " Zack mentally sorted through excuses he had used for escaping guard duty and unwelcome Sunday dinners with former girlfriends' families. None were at all appropriate. Then he felt a flash of inspiration. " Because some materia has gone missing, sir! " he reported triumphantly.

Sephiroth heaved a sigh of relief. 

" Which one? " Scarlet asked, apparently remembering her role as a Shinra executive.

" Yes, which one SOLDIER? " Sephiroth asked in his best General's voice.

There was a painful pause as Zack forgot the names of every single useful materia he had ever known. He was left with only one.

" The Chocobo Lure, General. "

" Good Gods man, why didn't you say sooner?! " Sephiroth bellowed, causing the nearby secretary to jump out of her skin. Sephiroth turned to Scarlet and dropped a kiss on her cheek. " Forgive me dear lady, but I fear our lunch must wait. I look forward to seeing you tonight at ten. "

Sephiroth started to hurry down the corridor with Zack. Once safely out of earshot, he turned to Zack in disbelief.

" The Chocobo Lure? That's the best you could come up with. The Mako sure bypassed _your_ brain. "

" Excuse me for not coming prepared with an excuse to free up my General from the corporate nymphomaniac. That's not the kind of thing they teach in SOLDIER. "

" It was a prime example of hostage negotiation, you fool! "

Zack looked deeply insulted.

" Last I heard hostages don't make dinner plans with their captors. `See you tonight at ten`? "

" I don't want to talk about it, " Sephiroth said darkly.

The SOLDIER sniggered.

" Not so clever now are we, Mr-General-Sir? " Zack crowed.

" For that, SOLDIER, I am giving you the responsibility of phoning Scarlet and telling her why tonight is off. "

Zack opened his mouth to protest but Sephiroth smiled smugly and held up a restraining hand.

" That's an order from your General, SOLDIER. "

***

The sound of a gentle knocking on his door jolted Sephiroth awake. He lifted his head off the pillow and listened, hoping that perhaps he'd dreamt it, or whoever it was had given up and gone away. He'd had a most surprising evening and was still wallowing in a feeling of self-satisfied contentment, which he did not want to be interrupted.

No luck. There was the knocking again, slightly louder this time. There was a soft whimper from beside him. He ruffled the blonde hair reassuringly.

" Shh, go back to sleep, " he whispered.

His lips twitched into a smile. He slid gracefully from the bed. He tugged on a pair of boxer shorts and turned on the dim bedside lamp. Padding over to the door, he ran a hand through his long silver hair to tidy it a little.

He opened the door and froze.

Closed his eyes and hoped that when he opened them again it would be different.

It was not.

Professor Hojo was stood on his doorstep, bearing a clipboard and a big shoulder bag. 

" Yes Professor? " Sephiroth managed in a strangled voice.

" I'm here to arrange the video cameras. I came now as I believed I would not interfere with your dinner plans but it seems I was incorrect in my assumption. "

Hojo eyed Sephiroth's state of undress with an appraising gaze. Sephiroth was still processing the mention of video cameras when he realised Hojo was waiting for an answer.

" Well, yes, there was…uh… a change of plans. "

" So I see, " Hojo muttered, standing on tiptoes to peer over his son's shoulder into the dimly lit room. Sephiroth pulled the door nearer shut but not before Hojo had seen the golden head in the bed, heard it moan and watched it disappear under the covers.

" You should have let me know that there had been alterations. It is a pity to have lost half of the data, but I must congratulate you on a promptly completed study, " Hojo said with a measure of satisfaction in his quiet voice. " Report to me tomorrow. "

" Indeed I will, " Sephiroth answered, relieved to have got away so lightly.

Hojo had been about to leave but he turned back and held out a small sheaf of papers.

" Before I forget, please ask Scarlet to fill this out and return it to me. It will be valuable data. "

" What is it? " Sephiroth asked suspiciously, scanning the title. His eyes widened in horror. " This is an evaluation form! You want her to evaluate my performance! "

Hojo shrugged.

" It is in the interests of a complete investigation. We must collect all available necessary information. Is this a problem? Do you believe there were inadequacies in your performance? If so, would you kindly list them here? " Hojo requested, holding out another sheaf of papers.

_Happy thoughts Sephiroth. Just think happy thoughts._

" I'll see you in the morning Professor, " Sephiroth said dully and shut the door in his face. 

He paused a moment while he ripped up the various sheets of paper and deposited them in the waste-paper basket. Then he went back to bed. Or at least tried to. He was halfway under the blankets when the knocking at the door started up again. He wondered, as he went over to open it, if it was a psychological or biological malfunction that caused him to entertain so many visions of his father's slow, painful death.

" Was that Hojo I just saw here? " Zack asked at his brushed past Sephiroth into the darkened room. 

Seemingly without thought, he flicked on the main light and turned on the television. 

" It's a bit early to have turned in, isn't it buddy boy? " Zack commented, setting his Buster to one side and settling down to watch whatever trash he could find on the television. Sephiroth stared in mute disbelief. The blankets on the bed wriggled awkwardly. Zack's head shot round, his hand automatically going to his sword.

" I'm so glad SOLDIER training wasn't wasted on you, " Sephiroth remarked acidly.

" There's someone in your bed! " Zack whispered, approaching it stealthily.

" Hell! There isn't, is there? " Sephiroth shot back sarcastically. He stepped forward and removed Zack's blade as he made to prod the figure with it. " For heaven's sake Zack, don't scare the kid. "

The blond head re-emerged cautiously, one golden spike at a time.

" Oh, hey Cloud! What are you doing in…Ooooh, " Zack broke off stupidly, realisation dawning on him.

" Hello Zack, er… fancy seeing you here, " Cloud mumbled, nearly incoherently.

" Yeah, uh, likewise, " Zack answered, scratching his head and studiously looking the other way.

He stepped closer to Sephiroth.

" You shouldn't have let me come in, " he hissed. " I thought you'd be on your own. "

" I could hardly tackle you to the ground in my boxer shorts Zack. Gods only know what you'd have accused me of. As for being on my own, I was. Then I found him. Anyway, what did you tell Scarlet? "

" I said we still needed you to look for the Chocobo Lure. "

Sephiroth sighed and shook his head.

" The questions I'm going to have to answer about that. "

***

Reeve nodded an acknowledgement to the small Shinra unit patrolling this floor and continued down the deserted corridor. He passed by a small cluster of offices and paused. One of the doors was open and a soft light spilled into the darkened hallway. Reeve tapped lightly on the door and poked his head in.

Rude was apparently appending his signature to various forms. He moved methodically and quickly, paper after paper. He looked up as Reeve entered and nodded once.

" Hello Rude, you're working late, " Reeve tried hesitantly. 

The Turks, he found, were similar to a very nasty-tempered Alsatian that, if approached respectfully, had a tendency to roll over and allow its tummy to be tickled. Over the past years Reeve and Rude had developed a tentative comradeship, founded perhaps in the fact that both of them had to work with people who tended to take a lot of energy. They were by no means friends, but they could at least exchange a few occasional sob stories and pieces of gossip.

Reeve sat himself down and Rude went back to the paperwork.

" Today, President Shinra came up with a new security measure for the offices on the sixty-third floor, " Rude began conversationally. " He's putting in a lot more doors. Apparently, there will be a computer terminal to access. Once you've accessed the terminal, you can open three doors. After the third door, you have to go back and access the terminal again. That's supposing you can, get back that is. I can only imagine the number of secretaries we're going to lose in there. "

Rude finally looked back up from the papers.

" Sounds dumb. "

" It is, " Reeve agreed. 

Rude nodded slowly.

" Today, I heard General Sephiroth ask Scarlet round to his for dinner. "

Reeve pulled an astonished face.

" So he's finally given in? I'm impressed he held out this long. Scarlet normally wears them down in a matter of weeks. He must have held out some years. "

" How long d'you hold out for? " The Turk asked after a pause.

Reeve shrugged.

" She never asked. "

Another pause.

" Me neither, " Rude agreed. " She made a play for Tseng though, so it maybe it's guys with power she goes for. "

" Which neither of us have, " Reeve responded. " How long 'til she got Tseng? "

Rude's mouth became a tight line and Reeve instantly knew he'd crossed a line. He held up his hands apologetically.

" Wipe that. Still, Sephiroth and Scarlet huh? "

Rude nodded.

" What's more, I think he's got competition. "

" Really? Who else is there? "

" Hojo. He warned Reno off her this morning. "

Reeve nodded, savouring this particularly juicy bit of gossip.

" Wow, do you think Scarlet would go for Hojo? "

The Turk frowned.

" Stranger things have happened, " he said dubiously. " I think, " he added.

" So, should someone warn the General that the professor is interested in Scarlet? " Reeve asked before he thought.

" That's why I told you. You're an executive. You've the appropriate rank. "

" Oh. Right. "

" Fancy a drink? " Rude asked, pushing the papers to one side.

" Think I might need one. "


	3. Chapter 3

A.N. In answer to the reviewer who asked if Sephiroth was gay: My feeling is that if the majority of Seph's genetic material comes from something that is neither one thing nor the other, (the gender-dubious Jenova), it seems likely that he's not going to have strict preferences one way or the other. Not that it really matters, as I'm not planning on walking the path of yaoi in this, but there's your answer.

The first thing Sephiroth noticed as he stepped into the lab was a peculiarly horrid smell. A green-faced lab assistant hurried out of one of the Restricted Access doors, rapidly shutting it behind him, paused, grabbed the waste-paper bin and vomited into it.

" Everything okay? " Sephiroth ventured after a second.

There were several loud thuds and a piercing scream from behind the door.

The lab assistant looked up and attempted a smile.

" Quite okay sir. The Professor will be out to see you shortly. "

Another scream and then shouts.

" Don't let it…! No, no you fool! Block th…! " Sephiroth recognised his father's voice.

There was a sudden noise, like metal being torn. Then a hysterical female voice.

" It's got…! Get it off! Help m… "

Glass smashed and then there were some more earth-shaking thuds.

A growl reverberated through the room. Sephiroth was pretty sure that its point of origin was not a human throat.

The lab assistant's eyes met Sephiroth's and the young man gave a weak smile.

" I think I'd better take a look, " Sephiroth remarked, drawing Masamune from his back and edging stealthily to the door.

As Sephiroth's hand was reaching out for the keypad, three gunshots pierced the air. They were almost instantly followed by a loud, wet SHLAP as something hit the ground.

There was sudden silence.

The door opened and Professor Hojo stepped into the main lab. His lab coat, face, shoes, even his glasses, were covered in a fine mist of blood. There was a small gun in his hands which he wiped meticulously clean and then deposited somewhere under his lab coat.

Sephiroth grabbed his father by the shoulders and looked him up and down with some anxiety.

" You're covered in blood, " he stated finally, coming to the relieved yet uncomfortable conclusion that it was not his father's.

Hojo seemed momentarily taken aback. He squirmed free and patted the General awkwardly on the shoulder.

" There was a minor setback in an experiment I was carrying out, " he muttered before shambling into his office.

Sephiroth cast a speculative glance at the door then followed the shorter man.

Hojo settled behind his desk, pulled out a box of tissues and began to clean his glasses.

" So General, do tell me how it all proceeded, " he commanded with a friendly smile.

Sephiroth sat down and shrugged.

" Well, it… to be honest… I've had a little setback too. "

Hojo paused and looked up. The two green eyes fixed beadily on Sephiroth.

" Setback? What kind of setback? "

" Y'know, just a setback. Like yours, " Sephiroth answered evasively.

Hojo paused then sat back in his chair.

" My setback involved a specimen suffering a psychotic episode, creating millions of gil worth of damage, not to mention removing a lab tech's arm, and eventually forcing me to terminate it, " he explained tonelessly.

" Not quite like that then, " Sephiroth amended. " It's just… Scarlet. "

" What about her? You surely cannot know if you have succeeded in impregnating her yet. "

" Of course I don't know, " Sephiroth snapped. " But, to put it bluntly… she's a whack job. "

Hojo's eyes narrowed.

" Really, General? "

The scientist's tone suggested he was less than convinced. Sephiroth winced but felt he had now committed himself to this course.

" I'm serious Father. I don't think she's entirely… " Sephiroth paused, looked around and then spoke in an undertone. " I don't think she's completely _compos mentis_. " He tapped a long finger against his temple to emphasise his point.

Hojo seemed mildly taken aback.

" Really? "

" She wears an evening dress to the office Father. That's not normal behaviour. "

Hojo's eyes narrowed again, but this time in thought. He surveyed the General's own, somewhat unconventional, attire but did not comment. Finally he nodded.

" True. Perhaps I have chosen badly. "

The smallest glimmer of hope cautiously lifted its head in Sephiroth's heart.

" Still, I shall have to continue monitoring her. There is every chance you _have_ impregnated her, in which case if she is mentally unbalanced, it will be most enlightening to see how that reacts with the Mako. "

There was a feeble knock on the door.

" Come, " Hojo snapped.

A doctor stepped in nervously, supporting a half-conscious woman. The woman was missing one arm and blood was spurting rhythmically from the stump.

" What is it? " Hojo demanded. " I'm in the middle of something. "

" I'm so sorry to interrupt Professor, " the doctor stuttered. " But I really think I need to get Atkins here to surgery. She's losing a lot of blood. "

" No, no, no, " Hojo insisted, half-rising from his chair. " I've told you, I want swabs taken from where the fangs made contact with the remaining skin tissue. There is most likely residual genetic material from Specimen Y67 in the wound and I won't have you destroying it with your medical botch-up. It's bad enough with the loss of Y67 itself. Take the swabs and then you may take her to surgery. "

Hojo dismissed them with an impatient gesture and turned back to Sephiroth.

" It seems then, General, that there must be a delay in the proceedings. There are some events taking place in Corel that demand my attention. I shall be gone for a week or so I should imagine. But rest assured I shall ponder this issue in my absence. "

Stifling a relieved, idiotic grin, Sephiroth stood up.

" Very well Father. I leave this in your capable hands. "

Hojo nodded to himself as Sephiroth made his way to the door.

" Oh, General? "

Sephiroth swallowed and turned back warily.

" Yes Father? "

" It might be wise for you to research alternative possibilities. If you could have a shortlist of three names, along with their relevant information, i.e. background, medical history and so on, ready for me to inspect on my return? "

" Certainly, " Sephiroth answered.

He was in the Shinra Lobby when he realised what was meant by alternative possibilities.

-----------------------

It was difficult to write, Zack noted to himself, when someone several times stronger than you are has you by the shoulders and is grinning stupidly in your face.

" Hello General, good news I take it? "

Sephiroth released him and started to un-strap Masamune from his back.

" The best news possible. "

" Hojo's died a painful death? "

Sephiroth paused and threw him a displeased glance.

" Be nice, " he warned. " No, Hojo's accepted that Scarlet's out of the question. What's more, he's going away for a while! I shall have no-one directing my sex-life. "

" How _will_ you manage? " Zack asked dryly.

The General stopped and looked at him again, slight confusion in his exotic green eyes.

" What's up with you? You should be pleased. A happy General makes for a happy army. "

Zack sighed and glanced down at his aborted attempt at a letter.

" I'm happy for you, really I am. It's just… I was in the middle of something. "

With no shame what so ever, Sephiroth leant over and read the sheet of paper. Zack sat back in his chair, well aware from the previous times he had caught him rummaging through his mail, that Sephiroth saw nothing wrong in reading peoples' personal correspondence. In fact, Sephiroth went so far as to pick the letter up and peer at it closely when he couldn't make out Zack's handwriting.

" What's this bit here say? " he queried.

" Woolly socks. "

Sephiroth carried on reading for a moment.

" And this bit here? "

" Blueberry jam. "

Sephiroth almost returned to reading but looked suddenly back at Zack, his eyes wide.

" This is to your parents! "

" The Dear Mum and Dad was a big clue. "

" But… why are you writing to them? You haven't written in five years! "

Zack fumed and held out his hand for the letter, a move Sephiroth ignored.

" That's why I'm writing. "

He snatched the letter back.

" They probably think I've dropped off the face of the planet. Ah, what's it matter? " he muttered, tearing the paper neatly in two. " I'll swing round and say hi sometime. So, Hojo's off your back then? "

" For a whole week at least, " Sephiroth crowed, throwing himself down on one of the leather sofas. " Although I do have to audition a couple of prospective mothers-of-my-children. Speaking of which, can I borrow your girlfriend? "

" Hell no! " Zack glared at his General. " I'm not going through that again. Every girlfriend of mine that I've ever introduced you to, takes one look at you and your big old Masamune and suddenly decides me and my Buster aren't so impressive anymore. "

" That only happened three times, " Sephiroth contradicted quietly.

" Only 'cos I stopped letting you meet them. It's my rule number one now. "

" But I promise… "

" No, it's final, " Zack interrupted. " You're not meeting Aeris, it'll only end bad. You'll just have to get your own. "

A slight frown wrinkled the General's pale face.

" I wanted to take some nice girls home for the Professor to choose from. The ones I pick up don't tend to fall into that category. "

There was a long silence as Zack wilfully ignored the large, hopeful eyes that were fixed on him. The leather sofa squeaked every now and then as Sephiroth fidgeted awkwardly, trying to force Zack to make eye contact.

" I said no and I meant it, " the dark-haired SOLDIER snapped finally. " Anyway, I don't see why Hojo has to start from scratch. If I know you, there are probably thousands of silver-haired brats running around on this continent alone. "

Sephiroth remained silent, apart from one excessively loud, heavy sigh.

" No, no, no. " Zack glared at him fiercely. " Look, if Hojo is so keen to get his hands on your kids, he can just grow them in his lab, can't he? Now, drop it. I'm not giving in. You and Masamune stay away from Aeris, you hear me? "

Sensing defeat, Sephiroth nodded sulkily.

" Some friend you are, " he muttered, as he got up and trudged to the door. " Won't even lend a guy your girlfriend. "

Zack listened to his General's grumbling as it retreated down the corridor. Then he sighed and began looking around for a new piece of paper.

---------------------------

Her eyes were shining with love. Her moist pink lips parted gently as she leant towards Zack. The evening breeze shivered through her long brown hair and her flawless skin glowed in the moonlight.

" Aeris, I… I've been meaning to say this for sometime. I didn't know how, but seeing you like this… seeing you look so beautiful, I just need to tell you. "

" Oh Zack, " she breathed softly, leaning closer to him.

" Oh Aeris, I… "

Zack suddenly realised that his girlfriend's eyes were no longer shining with love. They were instead fixed on a point at his hip while her moist pink lips were set in an annoyed pout. Deciding that he would soldier on in the romantic spirit and hope that she looked up again real soon, Zack tried again.

" Aeris I… "

" Zack, " she snapped.

He looked at her uncomprehendingly. She stabbed at finger in the direction of his hip with an irritated frown.

" Your PHS? " she prompted angrily.

Looking down, in fact simply tearing his eyes off Aeris' face, Zack perceived the loud shrill ring of the PHS at his side.

" Oh right, I'll turn it off, " he apologised, fumbling for it. " Oh, wait, it's the General. "

Aeris sat back against the bench, grumbling something along the lines of how Zack might as well bring Sephiroth along to the next date as they didn't seem to be able to get through an evening without hearing from him, and whose boyfriend was Zack anyway because she was starting to wonder.

When Zack finally got off the phone and turned back to her, she immediately recognised the sheepishly apologetic look in his eyes.

" Fine, go, " she snarled. " I'll just sit here and twiddle my thumbs. Pick some damn flowers perhaps. "

Zack left her sat on the bench, savagely tearing the petals off a daisy and muttering he loves me not, he loves me not, he loves me not.

Ten minutes later he was at Sephiroth's private rooms. He let himself in and regarded the General with an impressively furious expression. Sephiroth however was too concerned with pacing up and down the room, talking to himself and occasionally stopping to draw plans of something on the back of official reports.

Cloud Strife was sat cross-legged on the bed, one hand using the remote to channel flick at an alarming rate and the other hand occupied with a large bowl of popcorn. The blond boy looked up with some relief as Zack made his presence known with a barked, Well? The relief faded slightly when he saw the promise of death in Zack's eyes.

Sephiroth looked up and pointed at Zack.

" You said something, " he commented finally.

" I said: Well. As in, well, you've dragged me off a date with the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, so what do you want? "

Sephiroth shook his head anxiously.

" No, earlier you said something. "

" Yes, sounds like something I might have done. What about it? " he asked, resigned to Sephiroth's complete oblivion to other people's feelings when it came to his own preoccupations.

" It made me think. "

" Think about what? " Zack demanded.

" Not what, how, " Sephiroth clarified ambiguously.

" What in the name of all that's holy are you gibbering about? "

It was too late. The silver-haired General had resumed his pacing.

" And you think _your_ date sucked, " Cloud commented quietly.

Zack walked over and helped himself to a handful of popcorn.

" How long's he been like this? " he asked.

Cloud shrugged and paused in his channel-flicking to watch the last few moments of a cartoon.

" He was like it when I got here. That was two hours ago. "

" So what's his problem? "

" I'd say it was all that Mako. I think it's addled his brain. It can do that you know, " Cloud informed him earnestly as he resumed his odyssey through the evening's T.V.

" No, I meant… " Zack began with elaborate patience.

" It is the only way! " Sephiroth yelled suddenly, to no-one in particular. " Even if it means our lives, we must go in! "

Cloud and Zack watched him then turned back to the popcorn.

" He does that now and again, " Cloud remarked.

" Yeah, well what Shinra doesn't tell the public is that the glorious general has got a screw loose, " Zack responded, cherry-picking the largest pieces of popcorn. " Or several. "

" SOLDIER! " Sephiroth suddenly barked.

Zack gave a lazy salute.

" Yes General? "

" We have a mission, " Sephiroth told him. " It's for the good of all of SOLDIER. "

" Meaning it's a personal matter that if I don't help you fix you're going to take it out on the troops? " Zack translated without rancour.

" That's about it. "

Zack sighed and nodded.

" So what are we doing? "

" We're going on a raid of Hojo's labs, " Sephiroth said.

" Can I come? " Cloud asked instantly.

Sephiroth patted him on the head.

" No sweetheart, you stay here and watch the cartoons. SOLDIER, follow me and I'll tell you the plan. "

Sephiroth led Zack over to his desk and found a spare piece of paper, which happened to be one of Zack's many abortive attempts at writing to his parents. Cloud padded over behind them and peered over their shoulders as Sephiroth started to sketch something down.

" This, " he explained, drawing a big box, " is the 67th floor of the Shinra building, " he paused and tapped his pencil at two small squares he'd drawn, " These are the elevators and this, " he drew another box, a little further away, " is the stairwell. "

" What's that? " Cloud asked, pointing to something on the page. Sephiroth looked at it briefly.

" That's a squashed bug, but here, " he drew another box around it, " now it's the drinks machine. With me so far, SOLDIER? " he asked, flicking a glance at Zack.

Zack nodded morosely and heaved a deep sigh as the General continued.

" Right, we'll go in hard and fast, okay? Go in, do the job, get out again. "

" Please tell me we had more of a plan when we invaded Wutai, " the SOLDIER requested nervously.

" Not much, " Sephiroth admitted with a sheepish grin. " But that turned out well. So, you with me Zack? "

In a display of his characteristic pragmatism, Zack summoned up a dazzling smile and snapped out a salute.

" Damned if I do, damned if I don't General, " he responded brightly.

Sephiroth beamed and patted him on the shoulder.

" That's the spirit SOLDIER. Lets go. "

Cloud ran after them as they started for the door.

" Can I come? Please let me come! I'm a good enough fighter. I'll borrow Zack's Buster, " he offered, reaching out for the giant sword.

Zack clutched his sword to his chest protectively.

" Over my dead body, " he snarled. Cloud looked disheartened but still held his hands out.

" Be nice to the kid, " Sephiroth objected, but he shook his head at the cadet. " You stay here angel. Probably be some more cartoons on soon. We won't be long. "

Cloud's face fell but Sephiroth was already half way down the corridor.

" Tell you what kid, " Zack said pleasantly, " you pry the Buster out of my cold dead hand, and it's yours. How's that? "

The blond looked doubtful but flicked on a hesitant smile.

" Thanks, I think. "

Zack ran to catch up with his General.

" Right, we'll take the elevator to the 64th floor. Then we'll take the stairs up to the lab. That way if anyone checks our keycards for elevator access they'll be none the wiser, we'll just say we went to the 64th for the gym. We're SOLDIERs, we do stuff like that, right? "

Sephiroth was babbling, Zack noted with mixed pleasure and discomfort. One, it was always nice to know that no matter how perfect Sephiroth was perceived to be, the man was at least capable of getting nervous. Two, on the other hand, it was not reassuring to be going on a mission which made the man who didn't break a sweat when he almost single-handedly took the Wutai capital, nervous.

" So we know how we're getting to Hojo's labs, but what are we doing there? "

There was a long silence. Sephiroth chewed on his lip while he seemed to choose his words.

" Do you remember you said about… Hojo… uh, growing my kids if he wanted to? "

A decidedly worried feeling began kicking the insides of Zack's stomach.

" Er, yes. "

" Well, I thought, I wouldn't be too happy about that. That I ought to do something about it. "

The worried feeling was joined by a few friends, namely: horror, dread and fear.

" And? "

Sephiroth took a deep breath and tapped his fingers anxiously on the wall as they walked.

" And… we're raiding Hojo's labs. I want my sperm back. "

----------------------------

Sephiroth flicked a look around the corner.

" It's all clear. "

" What with Hojo out of town I doubt that his lab-rats work past five, " Zack commented, following Sephiroth down the deserted and dimly-lit corridor.

Sephiroth approached the door to the lab and slid Masamune silently from the sheath on his back.

" You think there might be guards? " Zack whispered, placing his hand reflexively on the hilt of his Buster.

Sephiroth shook his head and eased the door open.

" I just know the kind of thing that hangs around Hojo's labs. "

Barely a foot behind him at all times, Zack followed him into the darkness of the lab.

" Like what? " he asked, finally drawing Buster and feeling much better for having the slab of steel in his grip.

" Me, " Sephiroth answered curtly, turning back to grin at Zack, his strange green eyes glowing eerily in the gloom.

" Makes me feel a lot better, " Zack grumbled to himself as Sephiroth peeled off, replacing Masamune.

His Mako-enhanced eyes picked out the General's graceful figure flitting towards one of the control pads on the wall. He looked around but couldn't make out any other possibly-living shapes, no matter how mutated. Simply the row upon row of desks, labs and Mako tubes. To the side of him he could see a small box-shape with a handle of some kind on the front.

" There we go, " Sephiroth murmured as a weak yellow light flooded the room. He turned away from the control pad and made his way over to the work-station computer.

Zack saw that the box-thing was a medical-fridge. A rack of empty test-tubes sat by the side, along with a small pair of forceps. Unable to resist the lure of the disgusting, Zack reached out and pulled the door open, half flinching away as he did so.

The fridge illuminated its contents, which were not disgusting quite so much as bizarre. Three items: a plate of some unspecified red meat, a jar of cream-coloured gunk and a stem of something pale green with leafy bits at the end.

" Wha…? " Zack stuttered.

Sephiroth joined him and leant over his shoulder.

" Leftovers, " he explained.

" From experiments? "

" From Hojo's lunch. C'mon, I've unlocked the vault. Everything's stored in there. "

They picked their way across the lab to the large metal door at the far end. They moved with absolute silence. Silence, that is until Sephiroth got his foot caught on the hem of his trench coat, stumbled, knocked over a rack of test tubes and barely managed to stop them shattering onto the floor.

Zack helped him stand them up again hurriedly.

" Why are you so nervous? " he demanded.

Sephiroth wrung his hands briefly.

" This is the first time I've done anything like this, " he said anxiously, his voice barely above a whisper.

Zack looked confused.

" We've done this loads of times. Hell, Wutai was basically an extended game of hide and seek. "

" That's not what I meant. Look, I've _obstructed_ Hojo before but I've never actually gone against him. If he finds out he's going to hit the roof. "

Zack looked even more confused.

" He's one little guy. Creepy as hell sure, but I think I'd still back you in a fight. "

Sephiroth looked unconvinced but he carried on.

The vault was an impressively large room with a series of cryogenic cases and barrels, each with their own control panel. A central computer hummed softly in the middle of the room. Zack walked in and looked around, slightly daunted.

" This is going to take ages. And I don't know about you but I'm not that keen on finding out what else Hojo's got stored here. "

Sephiroth went over to the computer and tapped in a pass-code.

" You know the password? " Zack asked, eyebrows raised.

" Hojo's birthday. And if there are more than three people in this building who know that I'll be amazed, " Sephiroth answered with a grin.

_And how the hell are you one of them?_ Zack wondered to himself. He waited at the door, keeping guard while Sephiroth searched the data for the relevant information.

" It's the barrel marked SJ-51, " he said finally. " Find that and we're half way done. "

They scanned the rows, until Zack gestured Sephiroth over.

" It's this one. Now hurry up, this is wierding me out. Recovering my General's sperm samples is hardly what I signed up to SOLDIER for. "

Sephiroth started work on the accompanying console. With a loud hiss, the barrel's lid slid up and open. Clouds of cold air bubbled out into their faces as they both peered in.

" Are these all your… bodily fluids? " Zack asked, wrinkling his nose in distaste.

" Mainly the sperm samples but I think there are other things in there too, " Sephiroth answered helpfully. " The tubes are locked in place but I think I should be able to get the console to release them. "

" Just as well 'cos I'm not carting a barrel of your man-juices around, " Zack stated. " I draw the line at that. "

Sephiroth flicked him an annoyed glance but continued working.

Zack peered in again and made another face.

" Ugh, I feel queasy, " he wailed.

" Yes, yes, you're straight, I get it, " Sephiroth snapped, working at the control panel, " Believe it or not, this isn't me hitting on you. This is me trying to save my children. Now stop asserting your heterosexuality every five seconds and help. "

Finally he pulled out two small test tubes, read the labels then held them out to Zack.

" Here, " he said, " Hold these. "

The SOLDIER instantly put both hands behind his back.

" No way, " he avowed. " I'm not touching those. It's not right. "

" I'm asking you to hold them, " Sephiroth said with extreme patience. " Not gargle with them. Not facepaint with them. Just

hold them. "

Gingerly, Zack took one in each hand and held them at arm's length while Sephiroth scanned the lists on the screen. He extracted three more and then nodded to himself.

" These are all mine. Now, what to do with them. "

" Only five? " Zack asked. " Doesn't seem many. "

" I imagine Hojo presumed he had a supply on tap, so to speak, " Sephiroth replied sensibly, before screwing his face up in disgust as he remembered precisely what he was talking about. " Anyway, in future I'll know not to hand over any more. I'll just fake it somehow. "

" Can we stop having his conversation now? I think I might be sick, " Zack groaned.

" You and me both. Right, what are we going to do? "

" Do? " Zack repeated. " What do you mean do? We take these tubes of your… samples and we ditch them. "

Sephiroth frowned at his friend and raised his eyebrows.

" You don't think Hojo will eventually notice that someone's stolen five tubes of my sperm? " Sephiroth demanded.

" We could… steal some others? " Zack suggested.

" Lets just stick with the tubes of _my_ sperm for now shall we? No, what we need to do is replace them. "

Sephiroth's eyes narrowed speculatively. Zack edged back a couple of steps.

" Oh relax, " the General snapped, " I wasn't going to suggest that. No… "

Sephiroth trailed off, obviously thinking. Zack shuffled a little, trying his hardest not to look at the test-tubes he was holding.

" Right, " Sephiorth said suddenly, having come to a conclusion. " We're going to empty these out. "

Striding back to the waste-disposal unit in the central lab, Sephiroth disposed of the contents of the five tubes.

" Fetch me that jar of mayo from the fridge, " he ordered Zack.

" Oh Gods, " Zack breathed to himself as he went.

As Zack had feared, Sephiroth handed the tubes one by one back to Zack and poured a little of the creamy sauce into the bottom of each.

" It needs to be runnier, " Zack commented automatically then paused while he swallowed the gag-reflex that his observation caused.

" Bit of water, " Sephiroth agreed. He filled a test tube with water and brought each of the sample tubes up to level. " Now, shake it a bit to mix them up. They'll separate out eventually but that can't be helped. "

Zack obediently shook his two test tubes, watching the liquid slosh around.

" What did you do in SOLDIER, daddy? " he asked himself, mimicking a child's voice. " Well, darling, I helped the General substitute his sperm for mayonnaise so that the Head Scientist wouldn't be able to grow his very own idle widdle Sephys in test tubes. "

Sephiroth ignored him and started to replace the sample tubes.

" This is not my finest hour, " Zack remarked dully.

Finishing his task, Sephiroth turned to him and slung an arm around his shoulders.

" If I wouldn't have to fill out the reasons on the paperwork, I'd give you a medal for this. You have earned the eternal gratitude of your General, " Sephiroth told him, surveying their handiwork with some satisfaction.

" Hmm, remember that then next time you're in one of your moods, " Zack muttered as he followed him out of the door.


	4. Chapter 4, Part 1

Chapter 4 - Part 1

Sephiroth had never particularly liked President Shinra. In fact Sephiroth had already planned how he would like to hand in his resignation and it involved the fat old man, Masamune, a lot of blood and that rather nice oak desk in the President's office. However, while Sephiroth, or rather more importantly Hojo, remained in Shinra's employ, the General would have to come when the old man called.

Like now.

Sephiroth stood with a surprisingly convincing appearance of calm and patience, waiting for the old man, (he reminded himself he would have to get out of the habit of calling the old man, sorry, the President, that) to summon him upstairs.

" General, er, sir, the President would like to see you now, if you don't mind, that is, sir, General, " a young man stuttered after a ten minute wait.

Taking grim satisfaction in the dread his reputation and appearance spawned in people, Sephiroth nodded curtly and started rapidly up the stairs, his army boots clumping loudly.

" Ah there you are General, " President Shinra greeted him, with an irritatingly paternal smile. Sephiroth had never quite associated good things with the word paternal and as such the smile made him feel even more displeased.

" President, " he said tersely, snapping a salute at the one man who was apparently entitled to one.

" Do sit down Sephiroth, " Shinra offered, waving a hand graciously at the chair by his desk. Sephiroth dropped down in it and eyed him disinterestedly.

" You asked to see me President? "

Shinra tried to smile but it seemed to get stuck at one corner and he grimaced instead.

" It's a little awkward. There seems to have been some sort of misunderstanding and I'm counting on you to sort it out. "

Sephiroth felt like he'd been here before.

" Not Wutai again? " he demanded, then added, " Sir? "

" No, no, not at all, though good work on that. No this is closer to home. Your home in fact: Hojo. "

The out-of-depth look in the normally smarmy President's eye rang louder than any warning bell in Sephiroth's mind. He steeled himself for the worst.

" What about the Professor? "

Shinra fidgeted with an executive toy on his desk, and broke it.

" It's all a bit unclear at the moment. What seems certain though is that earlier this morning, your father approached Scarlet in the ladies' toilets and a made a series of… uh, dubious requests. "

Sephiroth covered his face with his hands and wondered what precisely he had done to deserve this.

" Well, needless to say, Scarlet did not take this kindly. Your father had to pay a visit to the medical wing. "

The General looked up sharply and Shinra blanched a little at the sudden fury on the SOLDIER's face.

" What did that bitch do to him? " he growled.

" Oh no, he's okay, just a few, well, scratches. But I really do feel you should perhaps speak to him. "

" Right, yeah, okay then, " Sephiroth said blankly, wondering what in the name of the Planet he was supposed to say. " What sort of requests did he make? "

Shinra frowned and scratched his head.

" It seems that the Professor attempted to requisition a sample of Scarlet's urine. She declined, forcefully I might add, and then according to eyewitness reports, your father demanded a written report on her menstrual cycle. It turned nasty after that. "

" I can imagine. "

" Now far be it from me to pass judgements, but I have heard rumours about your, well, your little triangle. "

" My triangle? " Sephiroth repeated, currently unable to come up with any other kind of triangle than a musical one.

" Come, come Sephiroth, there's no need to play coy. " Shinra was apparently on easier ground with rumours of romantic intrigue. He grinned roguishly. " I've heard all about you and your father competing over Scarlet and it seems pretty obvious to me that this… this incident is merely Hojo lashing out because you succeeded where he did not. Still, " a conspiratorial wink at this point, " I think we can all understand why you came out on top, especially if this is how your father normally propositions the girls, eh? "

It was perhaps demonstrative of how little Shinra knew the General of his army that he had felt he was on safe ground to joke about the spindly-legged scientist. Sephiroth's eyes narrowed dangerously.

" For your information, _sir_, the Professor was merely following up on a super-weapon that Scarlet and I happen to be developing together, for _your_ army. "

Shinra didn't seem convinced.

" A super-weapon that involves Scarlet's urine and detailed information on her periods? "

" Be grateful you're not the one expected to handle it in combat, " Sephiroth, giving a smile that bared his teeth and suggested the Wintertime climate of Gaia's cliff.

Shinra raised his eyebrows.

" Piss and periods? " he insisted. " You can't expect me to believe you're creating a super-weapon out of that. "

" I wasn't aware that military science was one of your many fields of expertise, " Sephiroth remarked icily.

" Now see here, " Shinra blustered, rising out of his chair. " You can't speak to me like that. I'm the pres… "

He hesitated as he considered the inordinately long, not to mention sharp, blade that was strapped comfortably on his General's back. He sat back down, his expression somewhat sulky.

" Scarlet didn't mention anything about super-weapons, " he muttered finally.

Sephiroth shrugged and offered a gracious smile.

" In strictest confidence, Mr President, Scarlet is, well, she's, uh, nutty. "

" Nutty? " Shinra echoed, looking a little taken aback.

" Psycho, mad, loopy, barmy, round the bend… "

" Yes yes, I get the picture, " Shinra agreed, leaning back in his chair to consider the information.

At the speculatively grasping gleam in Shinra's eye Sephiroth felt a twinge of guilt and thought perhaps he ought to try and salvage what shreds were left of Scarlet's reputation.

" Craziness aside, it doesn't interfere at all with her work as Head of Weapons Development. "

" No? Well that's all that matters, isn't it? " Shinra answered sarcastically. " We're an equal opportunities employer. We don't let a little thing like mental health get in the way of business. "

" Probably just as well, " Sephiroth remarked, rising gracefully out of his chair and heading for the door, " I met a large animatronic Mog on the way here. It was being ridden by a cat that claimed it was the Head of Urban Development. "

Shinra half-rose, looking concerned.

" Not to worry, " Sephiroth told him dismissively. " I took care of it. "

()()()()()

As Sephiroth entered Hojo's lab he was greeted by his best friend. Zack was seated on one of the examining tables, swinging his legs backwards and forwards over the side and wearing only his boxer shorts. He was attached to several IVs. He looked up and pulled a face at Sephiroth.

" Hey, here he is, the only guy in the whole of SOLDIER to be stuck with these bloody great needles more often than me. "

Sephiroth grinned.

" You don't get stuck any more often than the rest of the boys in SOLDIER. " Sephiroth examined the green gunk in the plastic bag that was filtering into Zack's system. " What is it this time? Regular Brand Mako? Or New and Improved Mako with extra Vitamins? "

" I think it's Extra Special Mako that's designed to make you feel like someone's cooking you from the inside. "

Sephiroth frowned sympathetically.

" Ah yes, my favourite variety. "

Zack budged along the metal table to make room for Sephiroth but the General shook his head.

" Thanks but I've got to see the Professor. He apparently got into a tussle with Scarlet in the Ladies' loos earlier and Shinra wants me to have a word. "

" I don't even want to know, " Zack said sourly.

" I think I smoothed it over with the old man though. Gave him a full insight into the situation. "

" Meaning you concocted a highly improbably story and backed it up by casting doubt on Scarlet's sanity. "

" You know me, " Sephiroth agreed reasonably.

" You don't think that spreading rumours about the mental health of one of your immediate superiors is going to screw with your chances of promotion perhaps? "

Waving his hand dismissively, Sephiroth headed towards the door.

" I'm the General of the elite army of an international business conglomerate that dominates the face of the planet; can't get much higher. "

" There's always Godhood! " Zack called after his retreating figure.

()()()()()()

Hojo did not look happy. He was striding up and down the aisles of his lab, terrifying the experiments and lab assistants alike. There was much nervous twittering and muttering, which only got louder when Sephiroth entered. Hojo glowered and stabbed a finger at the door to his private office.

" A word, General, " he snarled in a tone of voice that suggested he was after something considerably bloodier than a word.

Sephiroth followed his father and seated himself behind the desk as Hojo resumed his pacing in the much smaller room.

On closer inspection, Sephiroth could see thin lines of scratch marks running down the scientist's face. Surprisingly though, there were also several bruises.

" The claw marks are Scarlet, yes? " Sephiroth verified. Hojo nodded sharply. " But what about the bruises? "

Hojo softened almost imperceptibly as his son peered at the injuries.

" Well, after she'd broken a few of her nails on my face, she decided to batter me with a can of air freshener, " he mumbled.

" Ouch. "

" Yes. But effective. I believe she's considering on developing it for future use with the Shinra troopers. "

There was a long silence.

" So, Father, I… "

" Failed, " Hojo finished. " While I was trying to explain, most reasonably might I add, that I merely wished to check her urine to discover whether you had succeeded in impregnating her, she informed me, while attacking me, that any attempt to impregnate her would have been unsuccessful as she regularly takes Contraceptive tablets. "

" Ah, " Sephiroth commented.

" Did it never cross your mind when you began this project to consider this possibility? " Hojo asked, torn between weariness and frustration. " Should I have included a discussion on family planning? "

" Oh no, definitely not, " Sephiroth insisted quickly. " Uh, my mistake. Won't happen next time. "

Hojo was silent. His green eyes were fixed on Sephiroth in a dejected, yet unfaltering gaze. Sephiroth fought the urge to squirm, remembering that, similar to Marlboros, his father would be provoked by any sudden movement. And his father was an infinitely greater threat than any poisonous plant.

After a long moment, Hojo pulled open one of his drawers, read something from a pad of paper, closed the drawer again and looked back at Sephiroth.

" All I'm asking you to remember, er… son, is that all I'm trying to do is help you along Life's path. It hasn't been easy for me, being a single father, never being able to give you the… love and attention that only a woman like your mother could give, " Hojo coughed awkwardly then continued.

" But I've done my best over the years. I've done my best to make you the wonderful young man that I see before me now. And as, well, er, proud of you as I am, and as much as I, " Hojo paused, closed his eyes and took a deep breath, " as much as I love you, I want more for you. I want you to find a woman you can love. I want you to enjoy the same wonderful relationship that I did with your mother. But most of all I want you to have your own family to make you as proud as you have made me. "

Hojo gasped for breath then fumbled for a glass of water. He took several deep gulps, then tried to talk again.

" I'm not a young man anymore and nothing would bring me greater joy than to be a granddaddy to your…"

" Stop! " Sephiroth screeched. " I don't like it! You're scaring me! "

Hojo faltered to a halt and leant back trembling in his chair.

" I didn't know what else to try, " he wheezed weakly when he had regained his breath.

" What were you trying to do to me? " Sephiroth demanded, clutching at his chest. " Give me heart failure? "

Hojo held up his hands in a placating gesture.

" I'm so sorry General, but I didn't feel you were taking this seriously and I felt I had to resort to whatever options were available. A few of my assistants suggested that perhaps I try appealing to your more sentimental side. They watched some daytime serials and prepared this little, um, piece for me. "

" You were trying to manipulate me with a tear-jerking speech that had been stolen from a T.V. soap? "

Hojo spread his hands helplessly.

" These are desperate times General. And my assistants did have such trouble altering some of the situations to fit our own, uh, somewhat unique circumstances. They had to adjust all the references to baseball and academic grades to suit your own experiences with army training and medical procedures. You must give them credit for that. "

Sephiroth didn't answer. He merely sank back in his chair and glared viciously.

" Come now General. You're hardly the injured party. I was the one who actually had to say those… those _things_. "

" My heart just bleeds for you. "

Hojo at least had the decency to look embarrassed.

" Can we at least forget it General? Forget it and move on? "

" I suppose so, " Sephiroth grumbled.

Hojo gave a thin-lipped smile and rubbed his hands together, pleased.

" Good good. Right then, seeing as Scarlet is no longer a viable option, can we perhaps discuss who you would suggest? "

" For what? "

" For you to impregnate, " Hojo persisted with a touch of his customary asperity.

" Oh right. That. No. "

" No? "

" Well there's no-one off hand. Not right now. "

Hojo frowned.

" If you cannot offer three candidates of your own choosing, I shall take that responsibility on myself. "

" No no, I mean, I'm picking some up, er, choosing, three tonight. "

" Indeed? "

Hojo sounded politely sceptical.

" Uh yes. I'm going out this evening and, well, I'll meet them then. "

Hojo was quiet again. Sephiroth braced himself for another dose of soap-sugar but Hojo merely nodded.

" Very well. This evening. "

Sephiroth left the lab at a near run, pausing only to collect a sore and complaining Zack.


	5. Chapter 4, Part 2

While it may be true that no one, except perhaps the General himself, rivals a Turk when it comes to sheer bloodthirsty brutality, it should not be assumed that they are without feelings. Indeed Tseng was feeling particularly delicate this afternoon. He had been suffering from a headache since that nasty incident in the Ladies' restroom in which one of the recruits had become embroiled.

His mood was not improved to find Reno not only wearing a paperclip necklace but even attempting to string a bracelet of paperclips around Rude's wrist as the shaven-headed Turk resolutely ignored him and polished his gun.

Tseng's mood plummeted even further when he discovered a memo informing him that the Professor would be visiting him shortly with details of an assignment. The Professor's tasks, in Tseng's experience, always offered great variety, but unfortunately also much messiness. And if there was one thing that Tseng couldn't abide it was messiness. On top of that he would have to face the Professor's decidedly sinister attitude when he spoke to the Turks. No, this was not Tseng's day.

" Want one? " Reno's voice shook him out of his reverie.

He looked up to discover he was being offered a misshapen knuckleduster that was quite ingeniously fashioned out of paperclips, staples and a used roll of Sellotape.

" No. Thank you, " he added lamely.

" Where ya been sir? " Reno asked, slipping the knuckleduster on and then tugging to get if off when it jammed.

" Elena Williamson was a witness to something quite like a brawl this morning between Professor Hojo and Ms. Scarlet in the Ladies' this morning. I had to supervise her in a meeting with the President. "

Rude looked up and exchanged a knowing look with Reno. Tseng, who was already feeling fragile, was irritated at being left out and snapped,

" What? What is it? "

" Well, Hojo fancies Scarlet, see, but she likes Sephiroth. And nobody's sure who he fancies but Rude says that he, the General not Rude sir, was necking in the corridor with her a couple of days ago and now it sounds like Hojo's found out, " Reno explained enthusiastically.

Tseng looked surprised at the idea of all this intrigue going on behind his back.

" Does the General know that the Professor has designs on Ms. Scarlet? "

Rude shrugged.

" Mr. Reeve was going to tell the General but, well, he's just been in and I don't think he will now, " Rude commented slowly.

" Why not? "

Rude shrugged again.

" Seems the General bumped into Mr. Reeve's pet project, y'know sir, Cait Sith, and took offence at it. "

" It was practically tin foil after he'd finished with it! " Reno said gleefully.

" Mr. Reeve was really upset, " Rude added in a somewhat sympathetic tone of voice.

Tseng raised his eyebrows and sat down in his chair, nodding as he assimilated the information.

" All very messy, " Tseng tsked to himself quietly. " And it's going to get messier. "

" How come? " Reno asked, attempting to use a pair of scissors to cut the knuckleduster off his hand.

" Professor Hojo has an assignment for us. "

" Aww, no sir! " Reno wailed. " He'll have us rooting through graveyards and chasing underage girls around again, I just know it! Can't we pretend to be out? "

" No unfortunately we can't, " Tseng snapped briskly. " And you're to be polite when he's here. You know we're not exactly his favourite people. "

" Why is that sir? " Rude asked, looking up from his gun once more.

" Haven't the faintest, " Tseng answered airily. " All I know is that if he tries to sneak up on me with a hypodermic needle one more time I really will have to speak to the President about it. Right, I'll be in my office, let me know when he arrives. "

It was only five minutes before the department door opened and Hojo stepped in. He crossed the carpet soundlessly, watched intently by Rude and Reno. He was almost at Tseng's door when he snapped back round to fix them with a piercing gaze.

" You, " he hissed, pointing at Rude, " how long do you think you could survive in suspended animation in a coffin? Hmm? "

Rude shrugged and scratched his head.

" Dunno, depends if I'd been to the bathroom first. "

Hojo sneered and shook his head.

" Pathetic, " he muttered, then turned sharply to Reno. " And you. Tell me, how would you feel about a demonic entity tearing through your soul, pushing your very consciousness into darkness, your limbs twisting and contorting, your bones cracking and reshaping, fur sprouting out all over your body, or perhaps wings tearing through your back? Hmm, how about that? "

Reno's eyes were wide. There was silence for a long moment before Reno realised that the Professor was waiting for an answer.

" I s'pose that'd ruin a lot of suits, " he offered.

Hojo snorted in disgust and started to shuffle away.

" Feeble. Hmph, don't make them like they used to, " he grumbled quietly.

" Tseng says that Turks are born, not made, " Reno piped up, despite the warning glare Rude shot his way.

Hojo turned back and smiled nastily.

" I beg to differ. Now, where is Tseng? "

" Here Professor, " Tseng emerged reluctantly from his office. " What can we help you with? "

Hojo surveyed them all carefully, as if he mistrusted them deeply and begrudged involving them in the slightest. They were all secretly longing for the day when he'd decide they weren't worth the risk and just head back to his lab instead. Sadly, that day was not today.

" This evening, I believe the General will engage in sexual intercourse with a number of women. I wish you to retrieve his partners and bring them to me. Without him noticing. "

" The General's pretty perceptive sir, " Reno said doubtfully. " How are we meant to… y'know, retrieve these girls without him noticing? "

Rude elbowed his partner quickly, almost knocking him off his chair.

" We wait 'til he's finished. Idiot, " he muttered.

Hojo eyed Reno with some distaste then turned back to Tseng. Tseng had used the time to consider how to politely ask the professor if he was anything short of hopelessly insane. From the look on Hojo's face, insane or not, the Turks would have no choice but to obey.

" Very good sir, " Tseng said smoothly." Is there a quota to be filled? "

" I would prefer no more than six specimens to be brought to my lab. If however, the number of sexual partners exceeds that number… "

" 'Cos we all know the General's a stud, " Reno whispered piercingly at Rude.

Hojo ignored the interruption.

" If there are more than six you will need to use your discretion and bring me the six healthiest. I trust you can manage that? " Hojo demanded scathingly.

" Certainly sir. What level of damage to these women is acceptable? "

" What do you mean? "

" We can do bruised, broken bones or near death, " Reno explained helpfully, ticking the options off on his fingers. " We're still working on unscathed. "

" Ignore him Professor, " Tseng said stiffly, trying to remember if he'd been drinking or otherwise intoxicated when he'd hired Reno. " I was simply asking what level of force you would like us to use in retrieving these women? "

" Treat them carefully. It is most important that they are in good health. "

" Very well sir. We'll have them delivered to you first thing tomorrow morning. "

Hojo nodded brusquely and started to leave. He halted and considered Reno and Rude for a second. Tseng had seen him do it before and it had immediately preceded Hojo's request that one of them assist him in the lab for a few minor experiments. Tseng had agreed until Hojo made it clear that they would not be returning, ever. At that point Tseng had suddenly remembered an urgent assignment that both of them were needed on. He had then been forced to add that he too was otherwise engaged.

He was wondering how to refuse the Professor again when Hojo spoke.

" Tseng, are you aware that these men are wearing jewellery made out of office supplies? "

Tseng decided that the next person to comment that the life of a Turk must be all glamour and intrigue would be decapitated with a pastry fork.

" Yes, Professor, I _was_ aware of that. "

Hojo raised his eyebrows but said nothing. Not at least until he was out of the Turks' office. His comments about Turks not being what they were when he was young could be heard quite audibly as he made his way back to the elevator.

" Wow, Hojo's really playing hardball huh? " Reno remarked into the silence. " Remind me never to get in the way of him and whatever woman he's got his eye on, " he added, going back to attempting to saw the knuckleduster off his hand with a pair of scissors.

" Comes to something when a Turk thinks you're not being fair, " Rude agreed.

" A job's a job, gentlemen, " Tseng stated firmly. " Even if it does entail trailing around behind the General and kidnapping his sexual conquests. "

()()()()()

" Won't Cloud be seriously peeved about you going out on the pull? " Zack asked delicately as the General led him towards the street of popular clubs and bars.

Sephiroth flushed and pulled a face.

" Ah, well, the poor little guy's still a bit… well, emotional about not making it into SOLDIER. "

" And I thought sleeping with the General would be a Get Into SOLDIER Free card. Not saying Cloud thought that, " Zack added, seeing the ugly look on his friend's face.

" Actually, " Sephiroth answered coldly, " it is precisely _because_ he is sleeping with the General that he did not make it into SOLDIER. "

Zack frowned.

" How's that? "

" In case it had escaped your attention Zack, being in SOLDIER is hardly a nice, safe occupation. All that fighting, not to mention the Mako treatments. " Sephiroth shook his head disapprovingly. " Don't want the little sweetheart getting hurt, do I? So I just mentioned to his instructors that if they dared put his name forward for SOLDIER I'd remove their intestines via their noses. "

" And then you explained this to Cloud? " Zack guessed.

Sephiroth pulled another face.

" He took it rather badly, " he admitted. " Still, I also explained that if he's a trooper and just sticks with me, he can't come to any harm. I mean, how can he get hurt when he's with me? "

" I suppose, " Zack agreed dubiously. " But is going out trawling for flesh the best way to smooth his ruffled feathers? "

" I told Hojo I was picking up some women tonight. If I stayed in my quarters all night he'd realise something odd was going on. "

" And of course nothing at all odd is going on, " Zack muttered to himself.

" Besides, I'll bring him something back. "

" Yes, I'm sure a used condom and lipstick smeared across your chest will really brighten him up. "

" Kindly stop being so sarcastic. I think I see your girlfriend over there and you won't like it if I break your nose in front of her, will you? "

" How thoughtful of you, " Zack grumbled, waving cheerily at Aeris.

" Going to introduce me? " Sephiroth prompted as they walked towards the brunette.

" Absolutely not. Get inside and give me some peace. "

" I think you've forgotten that I'm your superior officer, " Sephiroth complained as Zack shoved him through the door of the nearest bar.

" Never _could_ forget, " Zack said under his breath as he turned to his girlfriend. " Hello gorgeous. "

" Was that General Sephiroth I saw you manhandling into that bar? " she asked in an icy tone.

" Honey, " Zack pleaded. " I promise you this is _our_ date and I won't let him interfere in it. "

" You just happen to be taking me to the same bar that he's in? "

Zack suppressed the urge to whine piteously.

" He's here on SOLDIER business sweetheart, that's all. "

" So you're taking me to a bar at which SOLDIER business is taking place? "

" There's not really a short way out of this conversation is there? Can't we just skip to the part where I'm really sorry and promise to buy you something nice to make it up to you? "

Aeris considered the hangdog expression on her boyfriend's face.

" Just don't let him screw up another of our dates, " she relented. " I swear that man is the bane of my existence. "

" Lots of people feel that way darling. Lets just go in, get a drink and ignore him. "

" Easier said than done, " she complained but allowed Zack to lead her inside.

It would have been a reasonably pleasant evening out for Aeris and Zack if they had not had to bear witness to the General's absolutely shameless promiscuity. In between his numerous conquests, he made a few tentative steps to approaching Zack and Aeris. He was only dissuaded when Zack mimed a violent death by stabbing using the sharp end of one of the decorative umbrellas from his drink.

" Popular isn't he? " Aeris commented sourly as Sephiroth disappeared into the toilets with a young red-headed woman.

" Jealous? " Zack teased weakly, feeling the evening rapidly spinning out of control. Forcing your girlfriend to play audience to a series of crudely brazen sexual exploits perpetrated by your best friend, whom she already loathes, is a sure fire method of killing any romantic mood.

" Don't be ridiculous, " she said sharply. " You know I go for blonds. "

Zack felt momentarily non-plussed by this, considering his own hair was anything but blond.

" And you, " she added, noticing his hand sub-consciously flexing to his dark hair.

" Should we go somewhere else? " he suggested.

" And what made you realise now that this venue is hopelessly inappropriate for you and I to have a quiet evening together? Was it seeing the General disappear into the loos with a fourth woman? Was that it? Zack? "

He didn't answer. He was staring in horror at the small team of scientists, headed up by Hojo, who had entered the bar. They were all obviously incognito as they had shed their lab coats. Hojo was currently speaking to a small group of people. One of them gestured towards the toilets.

" Oh hell, " Zack cursed. He turned to Aeris who was watching him with narrowed eyes. " Would you hate me forever if I say I have to do something rather drastic now? "

She considered for a moment then sighed.

" Go on then, " she said resignedly.

Zack dropped a kiss on her cheek, took a deep breath and went into action.

Aeris sat back and watched as her boyfriend flung a hand across his eyes, staggered into Hojo's path and began bellowing.

" Argh! It burns, it burns! "

She watched with interest as Hojo at first tried to step over Zack, who was now rolling around on the floor and shrieking. Evidently Hojo had not recognised the SOLDIER. Zack remedied this by removing his hand so that his Mako enhanced eyes were visible.

" The Mako is burning me up, " he said loudly and clearly. " I need urgent medical assistance. "

Hojo seemed unimpressed but peered at Zack with a little more interest. Whatever was going on in the toilets was apparently temporarily forgotten.

" My last Mako treatment has obviously gone wrong and I am in great pain! " Zack screeched, being very careful to enunciate his words clearly so that Hojo could hear him over the thump of loud bar music.

This seemed to do the trick, Aeris saw. Hojo and his scientists hustled Zack out of the bar, with the SOLDIER bellowing all the time about how grateful he was that Professor Hojo was here to help him, and wasn't it lucky that Professor Hojo was right outside the door to the toilets when he collapsed.

Aeris timed the interval carefully. Hojo was barely three seconds down the street when the door to the toilets swung open and an ashen faced General peered out, hastily doing up his trousers. He looked around cautiously. His eyes fixed on Aeris and he looked puzzled. He had obviously noticed that Zack was absent. Sephiroth began to move towards her, a question evidently on his lips. She made a rude gesture and he shrugged. He retreated back into the toilets and his previous engagement.

Aeris drowned her sorrows in the low-alcohol, decidedly girly drink that Zack had bought for her. She found it both intensely irritating and endearing that Zack was intent on treating her as a fragile flower. Since first seeing her in her favourite pink dress he seemed unable to realise that Aeris had a core of nothing less than steel.

Midway through her reverie of how sweet Zack was and what a pity it was that his best friend was a complete jerk; Aeris noticed Reno and Rude stealthily making their way towards the toilets. She toyed briefly with the idea of letting Sephiroth get caught with his pants down, both literally and figuratively. Unfortunately she came to the sorry conclusion that she owed it to Zack to let his reluctant trip to the lab not be in vain. While her many talents might not include feigning Mako poisoning, what they did include was a superb talent for making Turks chase her.

()()()()()()

Having lost Tseng in a nightclub somewhere, Reno and Rude were struggling to simply get through this assignment and get out again. They had tracked the General to this bar, and more specifically these toilets. Neither of them was very impressed with his choice of location for a romantic rendezvous but considering the legendary sexual prowess of the great General they felt they were not entitled to pass judgement.

Rude had the door to the bathroom half open when he felt something hit him stingingly on the back of his neck. He clapped his hand to the point of impact and spun around. Seated a small distance from the two Turks was Aeris Gainsborough, who was currently watching them and throwing peanuts at them.

" What do we do now? " Reno asked. " Go after her or follow through the assignment? "

" Dunno, but her aim's not bad, " Rude grumbled as a peanut hit him squarely on in the chest.

" Isn't that why we're following her around all the time? Aren't we meant to be recruiting her for SOLDIER? "

Rude fixed his partner with a pitying look.

" God, you're naïve sometimes. We're following her around 'cos Hojo's told us too. "

Reno considered this, attempting to ignore the steady stream of peanuts raining down on them.

" D'you s'pose Hojo fancies her too? "

Rude pulled a face.

" She's a little young for him, isn't she? "

" I always said Hojo's creepy. If he does fancy her and he finds out we had the chance to pick her up and didn't take it, he's gonna be pretty narked at us, isn't he? " Reno reasoned.

Rude thought about this.

" Our orders to collect her _do_ predate our orders to pick up the General's girls, " he admitted. " perhaps I should get her while you pick up whoever the General's got in there with him. "

The younger Turk caught his partner's arm as Rude began edging towards Aeris.

" Rude, mate, this'd be like the eightieth time we tried nabbing her, wouldn't it? "

" Something like that, yeah. What's your point? "

" Well, perhaps we should try picking her up together. We can always collect the General's girl in a moment. He strikes me as more that a three-minute man. "

Rude nodded.

" Sounds a good idea. C'mon then. "

()()()()()()

Now that the two Turks had abandoned the toilets and were heading her way, Aeris wondered how she was going to avoid capture. Once again she considered how useful a bodyguard would be, but unfortunately for her good bodyguards don't just drop out of the sky. She promised herself that the next time she played with the Turks, she'd get herself a bodyguard to help her. For now, she was on her own.

The two Turks approached her slowly.

" 'Lo there Aeris, " Rude said politely.

" Hello. Rude, isn't it? "

" S'right, " he nodded.

There was an uncomfortable pause.

" You fancy coming with us? " Reno attempted hopefully.

" Not particularly. I haven't even finished my drink yet. "

" Well we wouldn't want to rush you but we are working to a bit of a tight schedule, " Rude said.

" We can let the lady finish her drink though, can't we? " Reno suggested.

" S'pose so, " Rude said reluctantly.

They stood and waited as she sipped daintily at her drink. She managed to make the last inch of her drink last a good ten minutes. As she placed the glass down on the table, Rude flexed his shoulders meaningfully.

" Right then Aeris. We'd better make a move, " he said, his tone almost apologetic.

" Can I finish my peanuts? " she asked, gesturing to the half-empty bowl in front of her.

" I'm surprised you've got any left, the way you were flinging them at us, " Reno muttered below his breath.

Aeris noticed Sephiroth finally exit the toilets. She felt an uncomfortable rush of relief at the sight of him. His eyes locked onto her again. The silver eyebrows rose in surprise, then furrowed as he spotted the two men at her table. Surely the sight of his best friend's girlfriend being hassled by two men would muster some kind of response. Then she remembered she had given him the finger earlier in the evening.

" Howzabout we get you some peanuts when we get to Shinra HQ? " Rude offered.

" I know about the kind of peanuts you get in corporate vending machines. I prefer the ones here, thanks. "

Sephiroth was at last making his way towards them. Aeris rose smoothly and moved round the table so that the General would be visible to the two Turks. She decided by the sudden pallor of their skin that they had seen him.

Rude sighed heavily and Reno adopted a slightly wretched expression.

Sephiroth eased his way through the crowds towards the trio. As he was almost at Aeris' back, he chose to make a dramatic entrance and pulled Masamune from his back. He was just about to slide the blade from its sheath when he stepped in a puddle of spilt drink and stumbled forward. The hilt of Masamune jabbed Aeris in the middle of the back with such force she was almost knocked down.

Sephiroth caught her easily around the waist, flushing embarrassedly.

" Gods, sorry, " he breathed. " That could've been nasty. "

" Be a little more careful! Now, take your hands off me and lets go, " she said sharply.

" Yes ma'am, " Sephiroth sniped but grinned at the Turks and led Aeris out of the club.

Reno turned to Rude with a horrified expression.

" The General's not involved with her too, is he? Hojo'll do his nut when he finds out he's lost another potential girlfriend. "

" The General really knows how to play with fire, " Rude agreed. " Still, we're in a pretty bad situation too. "

Reno frowned.

" We haven't got Aeris _or_ any of Sephiroth's lays. "

" Or Tseng, " Rude said bleakly. " This job could have gone better. "

" So what now? " Reno asked.

Rude looked around at the bar. He noticed the number of flushed and excited young women.

" Plan B, " he stated. " We'll have to ask around. "

()()()()()()

" So, does Zack know you're two-timing him with the Turks? " Sephiroth asked as he escorted Aeris back to the Sector 5 slums.

" Does Zack know you're a clumsy moron? "

" Look, " Sephiroth said testily. " I apologised about that. You should just be thankful Masamune was still sheathed. Otherwise it would have been Bye Bye Aeris. "

" If you can't handle that sword properly you should try using a shorter one. Why you need a sword that long I don't know. I bet it's some bloke thing. "

" If you think I'm not going to tell Zack about you and the Turks you're mistaken. "

" Well you'll have to rescue him from the Shinra lab first. "

Sephiroth looked bemused.

" Does he normally pay Hojo a visit in the middle of your dates? "

" No, normally he goes rushing off to sort out whichever stupid predicament _you_'ve got yourself in. And tonight, that stupid predicament involved Hojo heading towards the toilets while you're in there doing Gods-know-what with some random woman. "

" Gods-know-what? " Sephiroth repeated amusedly. " You're a bit of a prude, you know that? "

" And you're a clumsy moron, " Aeris said again. " He was trying to warn you. "

" Oh, was that what it was? " Sephiroth crowed with dawning realisation. " I did wonder. But Monica was quite, well, noisy and I wasn't sure if I'd heard right. "

" Monica? Are you sure it wasn't Moira? " Aeris asked caustically.

Sephiroth paused.

" Could have been, " he agreed.

" Or Maggie, or Martha, or Maud. 'Cos you really wouldn't know for sure, would you? "

" You're not my mother, stop lecturing me. So, let me get this straight, Zack stopped Hojo and you distracted the Turks? That was sweet of you. I guess you're realising that deep down I'm a pretty nice guy. "

" No, deep down you're a psychopath. And you're trouble. You're also my boyfriend's best friend and his commanding officer."

Sephiroth frowned deeply.

" I don't like you at all, " he stated finally.

" Feeling's mutual. Now go rescue Zack and leave me alone, " Aeris commanded, standing at the door to her house.

Sephiroth frowned at her again but turned and skulked off, muttering about how everyone was always bossing him around and one of these days…

()()()()()()()

Rude and Reno found Tseng slumped on a bar stool in a seedy looking bar three doors down. He was very drunk and very depressed. Rude tapped him respectfully on the shoulder. Tseng spun round, almost toppled off his seat and steadied himself by catching hold of Rude's lapels. Rude righted his boss and eyed him concernedly.

" You okay, sir? " he asked tentatively.

" D'you 'member Rude, the good ol' days? " Tseng slurred. " When Shinra would say: Hey Tsheng, go kill Mr. Blah Blah, and while you're at it, do a lil' extortion and corp'rate shabotage. Those were gooood days. "

" Yes sir, " Rude agreed. " Are you ready to leave sir?

" And now, what are we? " Tseng demanded, ignoring Rude's question. " Now we're jusht pawns in their bizarre sexual games. " Tseng gestured hopelessly. " Now they say: Tsheng, go kidnap Mrs. Blah Blah 'cos Mr. Whatsit's been eyeing up Mrs. Thingummy and I'm ve'y angry 'bout it. "

" I know sir. Shall we go now sir? "

Tseng caught hold of Rude's lapels again and dragged him close.

" Did you know, Rude, that I could kill you wid just these two fingersh? " the Wutan asked, holding up two unsteady digits.

" I'm sure you could sir. Can you stand up sir? "

Tseng peered round Rude's broad chest.

" Why are there eight, no nine, well, many many women stood over there with Reno? " he asked blearily.

Rude flushed and wondered if it would be best to wait until his boss was sober again. Or maybe it was best to let the drunken haze take the force of the blow.

" We lost Sephiroth's actual… partners. So we had to ask the ladies present if they'd, y'know, been with the General that evening. These are the ones that said yes. "

Reno had moved closer and pulled a worried face.

" I'm not sure they all understood the question but… anyway, at least we can placate Hojo with these lot. "

Tseng nodded acceptingly.

" Good, " he muttered. " We can go home then. Jus' got to go to the Little Boy's room first. "

He slid gracelessly off the stool and began to stagger towards the toilets. He dropped his gun on the way and almost fell over as he retrieved it.

" I don't think he should have his gun at the moment, " Reno commented. " I'll go take it off him. "

Rude raised an eyebrow but began selecting the healthiest looking women from the bunch. Reno returned a few moments later. His lip was cut and he had a nasty bump on the side of his head.

" The boss said he'd rather keep hold of his gun for now. "


End file.
